I do have a lovely old job, you know. Every single year, I get invited by the lovely folks at Channel 4 to go to Innsbruck in Austria to peek behind the scenes of The Jump. Channel 4 very sensibly don't let us ACTUALLY take part in the jump itself. Every year, we ask if we can - every year we're told 'no'. Bah humbug, etc.
So instead, we just have to interview the brave souls taking part in The Jump, do a bit of skiing, then join Davina in the lodge for a glass of gluweihn (or ten) and watch celebrities hurtle down the jump and knacker various bits of their bodies.
So when I was invited by ITV to take part in their new Saturday night game show, Cannonball, hosted by Freddie Flintoff, I enthusiastically said yes. It must be pretty safe if they're letting us have a go, right?
Er, wrong. As we were waiting for our go on the biggest and baddest game, The Blob, we spotted a guy with a black eye. How did you do that, we asked? Taking part in The Blob, he said. Of course you did, we said.
The Blob is a huge inflatable. You lie at one end until a klaxon goes off, then two huge fat blokes jump off a platform onto the other end, which propels you about 30ft into the air.
Then all you have to do is try and land straight as a pencil into the water. How hard can that be? Bloody hard, as it transpires.
Of the eight of us who gave it a go, only one person managed to escape without any bruising. Because landing in the water from that height is seriously painful. And trying to stop yourself from flailing around might sound easy but it's nigh-on impossible, as you can see in the video below of me hurtling ten million feet in the air.
Just look at my little legs cycling like mad as I try to correct myself! Look how darn high I go! Luckily you can't see the terror on my face. But just look at my poor bruised leg...
although I got off lightly compared to poor Andy Halls from The Sun....
It's no wonder the insurance wouldn't cover host Freddie Flintoff to have a go.
I have absolute respect for all the courageous souls who took part, and while the rest of you will be watching and laughing, I will be wincing - and calling my therapist to help with the PTSD.
